past 6 weeks

     the past 6 weeks......for about the first 3 1/2 to 4 weeks i went through a cycle of about four or five emotions that were constantly rotating around every seventeen minutes. plus on top of that my hands wouldn't stop shaking. i wake up and they're shaking. in bed trying to get some sleep and they're shaking. they finally stopped about eight days ago which is about the same time i decided to "make" myself get over her. that worked real good until i had to go out in public. i started sizing up guys that walked by me. almost staring at them hoping they would look at me or say something and the tiniest little thing anyone would do would annoy the ever living hell out of me. then i realized i'm not even close to beginning to get over her. all i was doing was going back to old ways and to old ways of thinking. i don't like the old me anymore. the old me lived for the moment with very little fear and absolutely no thought of consequences. lived for today in case tomorrow never comes.
     now i am older, wiser, stop and try to think a little before reacting. the person i am today wants to see what tomorrow brings. sad thing is she is the one to thank for that. she made me want to be a better person. she gave me a reason to look forward to growing old someday. i crack a half hearted smile as i picture her and i am at peace. i'm happy. then reality slaps me in the crotch reminding me she walked away from me. she walked away without say a single word. she just disappeared. i don't see the logic in that. am i just supposed to forget everything that happened the past year? am i supposed to just move on like we never even met? like we never had those intimate moments? or shared things with each other that no one else knows about?
     then the anger starts to show up again. "well, at least you got to go back to your old life. you know, the life you have been going through hell to put behind you. you just walk away like i was nothing to you.....but hey, at least you can have sex now. even though you said he wasn't very good at it. and with the person you said you didn't love anymore...at least you're getting laid, right?" that's one example of many email drafts and facebook messages i never send to her. they don't do any good when she can't even get online to see them or isn't allowed to(for her own good i'm sure).
     any normal person would've told the other person it was over, i'm leaving, and don't look for me. yet, she has seen fit to make sure i know nothing at all about her. to erase me completely from her life. to go back to a life of isolation, of loneliness, of an abusive husband, and to give up and make the best out of what life's given her. i feel sad for her but then again she chose to not have me in her life at all, not even as a memory. it may be weeks, months, or even years but one day something will remind her of me. she'll stop and think to herself. "i wonder if i made the wrong choice walking away from him. i wish i could go back and do things different now."