Dreams Over

     no happy ending in this face book romance. i finally had to awake from dreamland and get snapped back into reality and accept that it wasn't meant to be. there was just too much working against us. i think the thought of losing another woman i was in love with was harder to accept then actually losing that person. i guess i just never was thinking clearly  about it the whole time. it is what it is.
     it is amazing though how many people on face book , whether be it family or friends or just face book friends, seemed to know more about all of it than i did. most of which was quick to come to judgement about me and i guess her to without even knowing any thing about me  only what they heard. i was completely doing the same thing to. i know better then to do that with anyone. every one deserves to be given the respect  and not have  a stranger decide who they are without even meeting or talking to them. 
     maybe that's what is part  of the problem with the world today. we take someone at there word but never trust or believe  that they are telling the truth about it all or just  omitting out the things they think the other person doesn't need to know about. you can so easily become whom ever you want on the Internet. i made a decision a long time ago to never do that. i want the friendships i make on here to be real friendships and not just another number on a friends list.
     i have had nothing but good intentions on here but found myself getting wrapped up in making others feel bad or make them think things about me that was never true or i would never do. i found myself making quick and irrational decisions about a guy without getting to know him first. i have to apologize about that. i wasn't raised to be that way with anyone. we can't let ourselves become that way, just because of the way they look or what we hear about them doesn't mean they are always a bad person.
     have i made bad choices in my life? of coarse i have. a lot of bad choices that i shouldn't have but it has made me who i am and i try to learn from them and grow as a person from them. i allowed myself to get caught up in something that maybe i should not have but it happened. i know i am hated by people now for that but it doesn't make me a bad person. those who think i am have never taken the opportunity to see who i really am. i hate it because i have been doing the same thing recently and i can't do that anymore. it's not fair to that person or the people i tell that person about.
      i found myself caring about what complete strangers thought about me. i have never given a fuck what other people thought about me before but that's what happens when you let your emotions get tangled up inside you. you don't think clearly and start doing idiotic things that normally you wouldn't. in way I'm kinda feel bad that it is over between us because now she will be blamed for it all when i am the one that should take the blame for it. i could have stopped it at any time but i got caught up in the moment of it all and let my heart make decisions and not my head. i can't worry about those who already hate me. it's there loss. i just hope i can become a better person from all of this and make better choices in my life which i have already started doing. I'm not going to be the person I'm expected to be any more. i am finally going to get my life back and get the help i need. it's like that old old saying, "yeah I'm fat but i can lose weight, ugly goes to the bone". i will be a better person from all of this and hope others can learn from the mistakes they made as well.
     i am sorry for causing so much pain for those involved. i have nothing but the best intentions in my mind and heart. i just hope some good can come from all of this. i know it has made me want to clean my life up. it has given me that drive to and i will.