sometimes it hurts more than just the victim

     I'm starting to feel foolish as of late. the want to believe everything someone you trusted had told you can be overpowering to say the least. my heart says be patient and believe in love. my brain says she played me and can't be trusted. it's a soul destroying stalemate between the two. a compromise must be reached her before it kills what dignity i have left. how do i accomplish that? the best way I've seem to have found is the old school way...junior high type old school. pros and cons list. likes and dislikes to compare the two. if only it was that simple to figure it all out. 

     she may have resorted to junior high type antics in a sick and twisted way to deal with it all but I'm not in junior high anymore. no, i can no longer think about lowering myself to those tactics even though my sadistic devious side is screaming to be let out to cause panic and havoc for the destruction she left behind. i could be so cruel to her for leaving me like that. revenge can be so sweet but after you have it then what? everything will still be the same only then I'd be filled with shame for embarrassing her or trying to. no, i won't lower myself like that. those things are special to me and are mine and mine alone. 

     "as long as she is happy that's all that matters to me." yes, i said this many times but that's not how i feel. why should she be the only one that is happy? should i not also be deserving of happiness? i treated her with respect, kindness, understanding, and more loving than she had ever felt. it's not that she left me. it's how she left me. the "disappearing act" as i like to call it now can be an all consuming mind twisting, soul devouring, fucking confusing way to let someone know you are no longer a part of their life. she deserves some of this pain she helped cause. i offered her my unconditional love, gave her my heart, and help by giving her the knowledge i have for her to stay out of that situation. she refused it. 

     i have not allowed myself to fall for anyone for a very, very long time because i didn't want to ever feel the pain the last woman caused by leaving me. i really loved that one but nothing like this one. i have ten times the love for this one and now ten times the pain from her leaving. i know what has to be done to start getting over this. it's going to be hard to do but since she has chosen to keep me out of her life it has to be done. i will always love you and i am sorry for this.

     what gave you the right to think you could treat me this way? you have destroyed my kindness and understanding towards others leaving me to never be able to trust anyone that may come into my life. you are a cold hearted bitch who is just as manipulative as your husband. you used me, lied to me, broke every promise you made, and took advantage of my love. you tried to get me to hate you and leave you . so you didn't have to have any regrets for what you have done to me. you don't deserve to be happy. i do hate you now. you have no one to blame for your misery now but yourself.

     i almost erased that but it's to prove a point. i would never say those things to her. it's an example that sometimes it's not just the victim of an abusive relationship that gets hurt. people who offer their support and help to the victims of abuse will be hurt by them. on average it takes a woman leaving their abusive husband five times before they finally stop going back to their abuser. i have already experienced this more than once now. i watched as she became so emotionally confused by her husbands tactics that she couldn't make rational decisions even about simple day to day things. in the end she was so blinded  by this it altered her reality making her cling to the man who had cause all of this in the first place and going back to that life she was trying to escape from. leaving me behind more broken hearted than i have ever been in my life. sometimes the abuse hurts more than just the victim.