One Weird Day

     finding my self unable to sleep no more than a few hours last night i awoken extremely early (5:00 am). i had me 4 cups of coffee that was so strong the mug produced it's own form of static electricity. i already had my hopes up before i even sat down here to wake up the old pc, knowing for certain i would be able to chat with her today. as the time drew nearer to our usual time i was actually starting to get nervous. but the time came and went just as it has the past three days, leaving my emotions going from happy to depressed to somber to numb. 
     i can handle the emotional stress all but the numb part. that's the one emotion that frightens me. it's the one that always seems to be the sadistic one. the one that speaks before thinking. the one that plans the road trip all the way down to how many times i would have to fill up to get there and back (7 times). the one that impulsively goes and buys stuff for said road trip before realizing that even if it was to happen it wouldn't for at least a week.
     i decided to just set back and enjoy my crapper yogurt and bring myself back to reality. uploaded a few videos i made to facebook, play a little GoR, and commenced to cleaning and preparing things. what you might ask? why stress over everything here being nice and tidy for? for when she come here to visit. hahaha. why risk the head ache and all the stress of me going there when i can just bring her here for a visit. maybe i'm just numb again. maybe i'm just hopefully lost or on the verge of a meltdown. maybe in this case i'm expecting the worse but preparing for the best. who knows? least of all me at this point. the worst mind numbing part of it all is not knowing that she is ok.  six more days, six more days and i will find out. one way or another. aside from me being stupid which thankfully i have enough friends to help keep me sane. thank you friends. ok now i do feel like i've been to a shrink....not that i know what that feels like. i'm just imagining this is ....you know what i'm getting at. crap this really has been a weird day.