years end

     OK, i am sorry i said i wasn't going to write anything else about her but only 27 minutes left in 2011 so I'm going to open up one last time before a new year begins.


     there is a huge void in my life where she once was. a void that no matter what i try and do to fill it nothing compares to what she brought to me. hope...for those who believe that they are hopeless. joy...she brought such joy to something so simple that now it will never be the same with out her. compassion...no matter who you were she always said hi and how are you. comfort...just knowing she was there brought so much comfort to so many. determination...seeing what she was able to accomplish in such a short time inspired others. strength...still amazed by how strong a woman she is. tenderness...the way she spoke to you made you feel loved and welcomed.love...not willingly wanting to show it but everyone could tell she was full of love. humbled...always seemed grounded and never to over confident in her ways. distant...always seem just out of reach. sadness...those that pay attention saw it right away. loneliness...really lonely, really really lonely it seemed. happiness............always put on a brave smile but could tell it wasn't real. happiness.........she brought so much of it to so many others. happiness.........even though she herself is still looking for it. wholeness....something i will never be with out that void filled that she left. nothing compares to her or the love she offered. maybe someday soon i will find a way to fill it but until then it remains empty. unbelievable how absolute nothingness can weigh so much that it would bring me to my knees. if only i ......